Today, that always crowd pleasing from rags to riches tale also known as Exodus or How Moses got fucked by the Man. And we all know the main character in this one – Charlton Hes... ermmm... I mean Moses.
A moment to put things into perspective:
The time – a long long time ago
The place – Ancient Egypt
The setting – unbelievable terror and anguish
The contenders – God aka The Man vs. a million plus gods of the Egyptian pantheon
The sucker – Moses
Now for some odd reason, all stories after the Big Flood involve the Jews getting the shaft for no particular reason. Every normal human being will think: they're good people! What did they do wrong? Apart from believing in God ALL THE FUCKING TIME?!!! Hm... Not much... Anywayz... the Man himself was hitting a rough patch.
Meaning: when God had exhausted all his options of torture, chaos and horror and developed a bit of All Powerful Creative block, he decided to step back, chill with a mojito and a brainstorm with Jesus and the Devil, let the Jews get fucked around by other deities and peoples until coming up with the next gimmick to really show His people THEY STILL DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE ABOUT WHAT HE ACTUALLY WANTS FROM THEM.
You can see how God is emerging as this oppressive father figure with very low self-esteem and medieval communication skills but let's still believe what the Good Book tells us in all its wisdom. Moving on...
So. Egypt. Jews. God. Mojito. Slavery and exploitation. That's where we were...
In this point in time the Jews are in a particularly rough spot – they are slaves working for Pharaoh ( the king of Egypt) – they are underpaid, unappreciated, overworked and unwanted.
More than that, the Administration has seen fit to pwn all male offspring of the Jews because apparently Jewish babies are not that cute or something. Or because Egyptians are really evil and when not spending their time inventing medicine, architecture and almost everything else in the world that was of SOME ACTUAL USE TO OUR EVOLUTION, they mainly planned the killing of babies in an efficient and organized manner.
“Well, that takes care of my thesis on brain surgery. Off to spilling infant blood!” sort of thing...
Amongst this hailstorm of propagandistic bullshit, on that day of infant blood letting, a particularly lucky ( or not so lucky as we shall see :)) ) male infant named Moses comes into the plot. He is saved by means of an improvised baby basket that is water and crocodile proof and left floating to his fate. On the greatest river on this planet!!!
Well, one cannot question mothering skills in a near death- scenario – Egyptian swords or the Nile, take your pick. I'll go with the swamp teeming with malaria carrying mosquitoes and man-eating crocodiles please! Cunning choice! They'll never look for the baby in there. But wait dad, can't the crocodiles... Do as your mother tells you and send the baby to his death... I mean fate!
Let's face it, God was winging it at this point while having writer's block so work with him here and don't judge! So ignoring the blatant rip-off from Greek mythology and the tale of Perseus we will gloriously march on.
Having earned incredible rafting skills while trying to suck on his big toe, baby Moses cunningly evades a crocodile ambush and repels several waves of dangerous mosquitoes; steers clear of the marshes in Memphis and somehow manages to row upstream with his sausagy but herculean baby arms whilst rewriting the laws of common sense and gravity as most every idiot will have figured out by now that the royal palace was IN THE FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE CITY THEREFORE BEFORE AND NOT AFTER THE SLUMS ERGO BEING UP AND NOT DOWNSTREAM FROM WHERE MOSES WAS SET ON WATER TO HIS FATE. Anywayz believe and do not question me sooo... bla bla bla God said as the staff writers scribbled on post its.
And presto! After escaping certain death, baby Moses finds himself suckling on the service end of some delicious Egyptian titty. Royal titty no less. The boy drew a golden meal ticket and he's barely a day old.
Oh, God really loved Moses!!! some will say. And they will be WRONG. So very very awfully Alanis Morisette naked in her own video wrong.
****FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!****
Sorry. I passed out for a couple of hours after that repressed memory of Alanis... oh there it goes again.
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Now! The story. Yes.
Moses is in.
What?! Jewish babies are cute after all?!!! I'm not making sense of this anymore! Instead of beheading him, they gave him a tit to suck on! Gruesome Egyptian torture!
Surely they will off him after they give him hope, like in all mobster movies.
But no! They don't. They adopt him and make him a royal baby. Why?! Because they don't know he is an undesirable, because he still has his foreskin, but that tiny little fleshy detail will be tackled later on in our story. God might be suffering from writers block but He's still got the spark. Wait and see...
Personally I think that he got in because he was a cutey, as all babies on this Earth are regardless of race color or creed. Of which they have no idea of in the first place because they're too busy being cute!
So he grows up and learns the ropes, educated in the Egyptian ways of inventing mathematics and then running off to torture some monotheistic group of minorities in order to celebrate the invention of pi.
He is considered a member of the royal family. If he plays his cards right he could be in line for the throne. He could rule over an empire of titty. Stone obelisks will be erected in his honor – showing to future generations his mental prowess, his skill at government and his enormous penis size.
And what does he do?! Hm?! He fucks it all up.
The reason? An Egyptian labor motivator. A man with a funny hat who had whipping people as a job description.
Fair enough, it's an ugly profession but beating minorities comes with the territory in law enforcement and Labor Motivation. I surely believe that it takes some skill and dedication. Whipping is a hard profession that needs a lot of work and tender consideration not to speak of the long hours and the shaky health insurance. And what about upper body strength? Hm?!! Have you ever tried whipping somebody? It's torture. It hurts you as much as it hurts them, I assure you!
Poor Egyptian Labor Motivator. He never saw it coming. He could have been a family man! A working class hero who didn't know any better.
Why this way Moses? Couldn't you have fired him instead? Or you could have started making life better for you people by changing some laws. Sure, it's a lot of paperwork and lobbying but you're related to the Pharaoh. Surely you could have pulled some strings.
But, instead of behaving like a reasonable and sentient human being, Moses throws a hissy fit and gives the world the first glance of a disgruntled postal worker's rage.
Basically, Moses kills a cop and runs away. Thereby ruining his chances at a titty empire and stone obelisks erected in his honor.
Back to scratch but at least he's good looking. Or so the Charlton Heston movie portrays him – trixy Hollywood!
In the meantime – Board Room in Heaven – the Devil smoking a joint with Jesus after being bored and having the bright idea of inventing leisure drugs.
God has still got nothing and is screaming at the copy boy for bringing him the wrong set of prints and a double latte when he asked for black no sugar. And just then, he gets the idea he was looking for!
He comes out swinging, throwing ideas on the whiteboard so fast Jesus can't write them down. After His rant has finished el Diablo and Jesus take a step back and are almost blinded by God's sheer awesomeness. Or His unbelievable imbecility.
On Earth, it has been 200 years since Moses killed an innocent man and has found a new life herding sheep and goats. You see how this guy never really got much out of his own life and just went with the flow, a thing which will come to bite him in the ass at the end of it all.
So. 200 years pass. Then suddenly, God has his bright idea. Or so he thinks.
Let us track-back to the moment before his great breakthrough. He was screaming at the copy boy at the time and between insults he asks for the copy boy's name.
Bush. The boy replies.
Bush huh! You're fired!
Very well sir!
Bush, the copy boy retorts with some under the belt swear words until he is gently maced, tazered and shown the way out by Eden Security.
And then God gets it. Trumpets and all. Of course, he ponders! Bush and fire! That is how I will convey my message to Moses. Finally I will have a communication method that is out of the box, witty and full of double entendres! How wittical of me! And he lays it on Jesus and the Devil.
Remember that Satan and J. are both stoned. SO they get everything, even what the Man did not foresee and laugh their asses off. It's a great idea. So we'll just send this guy Bush in and he'll talk to Moses about how you finally figured how to get the Jews out of Egypt. Right Dad?
No my son! Just take this magic marker and write down everything I say.
We will send this copy boy by the name of Bush onto the Earth.
Sounds reasonable to me, said the Devil in a laid back manner.
But... he will be on fire.
What?!!!
And... he will look like a bush! Scratch that! I'll turn him into a real bush! Creative huh!
The Devil is flabbergasted and is slowly hitting his forehead against the hardwood boardroom table.
Listen Dad. Isn't this a little bit too unorthodox? I mean. You could do this whole thing yourself. You know. Make a house call. Old school. Like in the old days.
No. That is for the other pussies in other religions. I am The Man. The one and only. The alpha and omega. I am what I am. The Supreme Being. The... Aaaaaa...
Jesus droops his head is disbelief. The Devil is slapping himself.
I am mysterious in my ways!
This is bullshit!
Shut it Lou! Do as I command. Send in the burning bush!!!
The Devil reminds God to make sure that the bush isn't actually on fire but that a mere illusion of fire will be awe inspiring and safe regarding fire-hazard liabilities in the work place against which they are not insured, but God isn't paying attention.
We'll just cut that out of the Bible and call it a burning bush that doesn't burn. Awesome huh! And I've got a bunch of new ideas for this whole new book I'm gonna write. It'll be about you Jesus. And a cross. Yes. A cross.
Thanks dad!
I gotta get me more of this weed if I'm gonna have to stand 2000 more years of this bullshit!
So God sends onto Moses a revelation. In form a burning bush. Formerly known as the average Bush, a copy boy in heaven, reading from a prepared script.
The conversation as follows.
Dessert. Goats and sheep in the background.
Tremendous roar.
What the fuck!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa – horrible flesh searing screams.
Who are you?
I am...
Now step back a bit and remember that Moses is not talking to a burning bush but to a former copy boy turned into a bush that is burning. Not the illusion of burning but the actual sensation.
What would you do if you were a burning bush? You'll say anything to get away. Wouldn't you. What do you think the copy boy did? He scraps the script and improvises. It's a burning bush! It'll say anything to get away.
I am... your God.
Cool.
And I... command you... to... PUT OUT THIS FIRE!
Ok.
That`s better. What's with all the goats?
Mine.
Weren't you royalty or something?
Yeah but I got tired of it.
Why?
Dunno.
You're an idiot, aren't you?!
Excuse me!
No. I am your God and I do not excuse you.
Sorry God. Was there something you wanted of me?
Yes. In a minute...
Well?
What's the rush? You late for the goat milking or something, cause we're all busy you know. I mean I'm the supreme being what do I know about HAVING SHIT ON MY MIND!
I'll wait!
Ah! It came to me! You are to go back to Egypt.
Whoa! No way! They'll arrest me for manslaughter... I mean, for helping out my people.
Don't be an idiot. Ramses is pharaoh now. You've been to kindergarden together. He won't hurt you. So go back to Egypt and free your people. And whatever they offer you, don't accept it because I'm God and I'm cooler than them. Got that?!
Yes sir!
Very well!
Is there anything else you would want of me Lord?
Well... actually... there is.
Anything.
Gimme 5 minutes alone with that goat.
But!
Do not question my ways of doing stuff to animals!
So Moses went back to Egypt. Back to the scene of the crime. Now remember, his step brother Ramses ran the place. He thought Moses was dead. He loved and trusted Moses and thought Moses was the best in the world. In fact Ramses was such a nice guy he let the Jews have it easier unlike his idiot father. And, although Ramses followed in the family business of building obnoxiously big monuments for himself and his huge ego he valued human life, was a great general and an understanding man. He was so generous he started raising Jewish laborers to the state of second class citizens – granted it's not perfect but they weren't slaves anymore.
And what does Moses and his go with the flow and never question burning bushes way of life do?
He fucks things up for everybody.
As we will soon see...
